Excerpts from http://email.eharmony.com/t/3176161/24681901/244033/0/
- What are the biggest mistakes women make when dating?
- Steve Harvey: One of the biggest mistakes women make is they expect their love to be returned the exact same way they give it out. That is one of the biggest mistakes because our love is a little bit different. It is still love, but it is not as encompassing as a woman's love. There are women who have great men, but they don't recognize it because they don't get a couple of things.
For example, a woman's love covers a number of things: It is communication skills, it is caring, and it is a nurturing skill. Women are great nurturers, great communicators. If a man gets sick, a woman nurtures him back to health just like it is in her DNA to nurture a child. She sits with you, she puts your head in her lap, she rocks with you, she checks on you constantly, she will even lay down with you and she stays with you until you are okay.
Guys' nurturing is different. We fill the prescription for you, we will heat up a can of soup, and then we go in and watch ESPN and, if you need us, call us. We love you, but how we demonstrate that love is what I call the three Ps of love: We profess, we provide and we protect.
That is how a man — if he loves you — this is how you can tell he loves you: He provides for you. Whatever his economic structure is, he provides for you and he will give you whatever he can. He will profess. If you have been dating a guy for six months, he has a title for you. If after six months, he is still calling you a friend, he has no plans for you. It doesn't take us six months to figure out if you are the one. We are just not that difficult. We are simple people.
The last P is protect. He will let nothing happen to you within his means. A man loves in threes, if he tells you he loves you, but he doesn't protect or provide for you, he is just telling you what you want to hear to get what he wants. He doesn't really love you.
- What do you think are the keys to a successful relationship?
- Steve Harvey: Trust and honesty is the clich? answer, but I can tell women that from a male standpoint, the key to a successful relationship is that the woman comes into the relationship with standards and requirements. That is the key to a guy: a woman who has standards and requirements and, in the book, I talk about this extensively. It is one my biggest chapters. Women have to establish their standards and requirements because the guy will only give you as much respect as you command. It is critical that a woman says up front what she wants out of a relationship — and don't worry about running a guy off. A guy who is serious about you won't run off, but you do want to run off the guys who are just coming to play. A woman wants a guy who is planning with her; not playing with her.
Don't go on a date saying stuff like, "We will see how it goes." Don't do that. Women have got to stop saying, "We will see how it goes." If not, I tell you what is going to happen: It is going to go just like the guy wants it to go. If you don't have any standards and requirements, any parameters set up in your initial dating experience, then a guy just starts exacting his will and you end up not getting what you want. A woman should never be afraid to say what she wants, what she is looking for, and if a guy doesn't want to do [what she lays out], let him go about his business, because we are going to be doing one of two things with you: We are going to be playing with you, or we are going to be planning with you. There is no in the middle with us. We are dudes.
- Does that mean that women should expect to spend some time alone while they are waiting for Mr. Right?
- Steve Harvey: Let me tell you this. There are guys that spend some time alone, too. When I am saying don't get involved, I am not saying you shouldn't date. I am talking about getting wrapped up into a guy. The moment you put the physical part into dating, it changes the parameters of dating. The majority of the women I know can't really separate the two. Most women — not all — but most women have to be emotionally attached to you to get physical with you. Or once they do, they are going to get physically attached to you eventually. A lot of women sleep with men they know are not the one — they know and are, "Okay," but all that does is slow down the process of meeting Mr. Right. That is how this game works. Men are very aware of that, too. We talk about it amongst ourselves. So I am saying, date, go to movies, but save your benefits for the guys that are deserving of your benefits. Don't pass out the benefits to an undeserving guy.
- You say in your book that women should wait 90 days before giving out benefits ...
- Steve Harvey: It is like this: You uncover a lot about a guy in 90 days. You really do. I have talked this over with a lot of men — all of my research in this book is from talking to men. I did "The Tyra Banks Show" and the authors of How To Love Like a Hot Chick: The Girlfriend to Girlfriend Guide to Getting the Love You Deserve were also there. A young girl got up and asked if it was okay to sleep with a guy on the first date and the woman's response was, "If you want to. Explore your sexuality. If you want to, sleep with the guy on the first date."
Tyra turned around and asked me how I felt about that and I said, "That is stupid. Who would tell a young girl to do this?" I am a guy and I have done everything. I have been a good man and I have been a playboy. I have done it with money and without money. I am telling you that if you sleep with a guy on the first night, it is not a smart move. We judge you from that moment on. If you sleep with me on the first night that is great for me, but I assure you that rarely works out for the woman, because the guy goes, "Wow. That was easy. The respect level is low. I can get away with anything now." We are professional hunters. We look for people like this.
But the women who slows it down, who says, "Hey, hold on. Wait a minute. I want to find out if this guy is willing to stick around." A guy who is sticking around is planning something with you. If he just wants to play with you, he just wants to get it. If you tell him, "I am going to wait a while. I don't want to rush it," he'll say, "I am out of here." Let him go.
It might not take you 90 days, but on a job, you spend eight hours a day five days a week getting to know a person before they give you benefits. You are not going to see a guy eight hours a day five days a week in the normal dating process. That is why I say 90 days is a good barometer to get a gauge on the guy to see if he works well with others, to see if he shows up on time, if he is worthy of the benefits. You women have the greatest benefit package available to man and you have lost sight of that over the years.
- Your book explains how to tell the good guys from the players, but what attracts a man in the first place?
- Steve Harvey: A lot of things come into play: Your confidence level, the way you carry yourself. It can be your dress, your attire. It could be your personality. Every woman doesn't fit on the cover of Sports Illustrated's swimsuit edition. I got that. But guess what? Most guys can't get a girl that has been on the cover of the swimsuit edition. It is a funny situation. Women have been made to believe that this is what beauty is, well guess what? There are full-figured women getting married every day. There are short women getting married every day. There are women with short hair getting married every day.
There is someone who will love you. Someone who will care for you if you are conducting yourself as a lady, if you have a great personality, if you carry yourself well, if you take care of yourself physically. You may not be the hottest chick at the office, or the hottest chick down at the club, but man, carry yourself with some dignity. Take care of yourself. You may not have a man, but dress up like you care about yourself. If you care about you, it causes someone else to care about you, too. But if you don't care about how you look, you don't care how you conduct yourself, or you don't care how you sound when you talk — like cussing at the office — nobody is signing up for that. But confidence goes a long way.