Got Game? - A Clarification of Terminology OR Where the 'Nice Guy' Goes Wrong

by Lindsey S.

Last night I popped in a movie. The film, Hitch with Will Smith, however simple, did get me thinking— would it be possible for a genuinely nice guy to hook me, I mean really hook me , if he didn't "have game"?

During the section of my Intro to Sociology class where we discuss gender, we also discuss relationships and it is so easy to immediately tell who the nice guys are from this discussion. They are baffled by why being a sincere and thoughtful person isn't enough. The women in the class, try as they might, can't explain it. They insist that they really do want a nice guy, but we know that the frustration of the men has a decent amount of truth to it.

So what is "game" anyway?

Simply put: confidence.

Of course it is more complex than that. I'll be happy to explain.

I have a friend with whom I always butt heads over this. He claims that what I advocate is dishonest and is no way to begin a relationship. He says what is the point if you can't be up front and honest about your feelings? I personally don't find not showing all your cards at once to be dishonest, but rather highly strategic. I mean, you wouldn't sit down at a table of Texas Hold 'Em and announce your cards, would you? Same rule applies here. He says that dating shouldn't be a game. I say, should or shouldn't is no matter. It IS. If you want to catch a self-proclaimed hopelessly romantic heterosexual male, by all means listen to him. If, however, you are interested in a relationship with an intelligent, confident, competent woman who desires you but doesn't NEED you, keep reading.

Of course, I'm really only speaking for myself here, but I do know a few other women who agree with me on this. All of us have the following characteristic in common: we all are deeply aware of our own worth, which means that when it comes to relationships, ultimately, we can take 'em or leave 'em.

The secret is that we need to know you can take it or leave it too.

I'll come back to that.

So what are the things that make us "leave it"? Disrespect, dishonesty, unreliability, a general boorish nature...these are all things that will make any woman who knows her worth high tail it as far from a guy as she can get. On the other end of the spectrum are the "nice guy" qualities that aren't really nice guy qualities at all: insecurity, desperation, neediness and predictability (which can be a nice-guy quality. I'll return to it). The former is a power-hungry control-freak, the latter gives up his power at every turn. Any woman who is worth her salt is looking for someone between these two extremes, someone who can hold power without clutching it, someone who knows when it is time to put the ball in the other person's court.

The "game" is really a feeling each other out to see if power can be shared. It is a test of give-and-take. It is the winning-over of the mind that must occur before the heart can ever be won.

Perhaps I'm a bit old-fashioned, but I like to be courted. In the initial stages of being courted, I have the upper-hand. I have the power. I mean, stereotypically speaking, I get to choose amongst the various suitors who approach, right? The key here is that while I initially hold the upper-hand, I am deeply uncomfortable with it and I argue that anyone who is worth courting (male or female, however it plays out for you) is uncomfortable with having that kind of power as well. The only relationship that can result from the gross power imbalance that can ensue here is one that operates totally at the ego level. He worships her and she keeps him around to make herself feel important, not because she really appreciates him.

The man who is going to get and keep my attention is the man who is going to relieve me of having the upperhand by keeping me on my toes, keeping me guessing by showing very clearly that he doesn't need me, but he finds me intriguing enough to get to know better. I know he probably has many other women who desire him. I know I must play the game as well to keep him intrigued. At this point the gauntlet is thrown down. The game is on.

This is where the genuine nice guys tend to blow it. Predictability. It will kill you every time (and for those being pursued, we have to adhere to these rules as well). Now, being predictable is different from being reliable. Reliable means if you say on Tuesday that you will call on Thursday regarding plans for Friday, you call on Thursday. If you say you will meet her at the restaurant at 6pm on Friday, you are there at 6pm. This is all very good.

Predictable means that on Tuesday you make plans to go out on Friday and then you call her Wednesday night, and Thursday and Friday before the date. If we already know you are going to call, you are in trouble. Please make us wonder. It will drive us crazy...in the best way imaginable. Say we go out on Friday and have a fabulous time. At the end of the night, don't go for the make-out smooch. Give a kiss on the cheek. If you had a nice time, say it and mean it and then DON'T CALL UNTIL MONDAY OR TUESDAY! And then, call to say hi, chat for a little bit and then DON'T ASK US OUT FOR THAT NEXT WEEKEND! We hate wondering who you might be spending time with other than us, but if you don't make us wonder we'll be disappointed. I mean what is more fun to reel in, a blue-gill or a pike, you know? The best kind of courting occurs when it is unclear who is courting who. Then call us maybe on the following Monday to ask us out for the next weekend.

Predictable means set-up movie moments. You take us out to somewhere beautiful, somewhere that totally sets the mood for a night of serious smoochin'. You want to know what we're thinking? "How long will it take him to zoom in for the lips?" We've seen it before. So surprise us. Take us somewhere beautiful and then DON'T kiss us. Just talk. And then drop us off with a goodnight kiss on the cheek. We'll wonder what the hell just hit us.

This doesn't mean we don't want the genuine, nice, respectful, interested guy. WE DO! There are guys out there who know how to play the game, but have no substance beneath it. They intrigue us and they are fun to flirt with, but those of us who know our worth wouldn't touch them emotionally with a pole the length of a football field. We want a genuinely good, decent, honest person, but we need to know that you desire us, rather than need us. We need to know that you've selected us, not because you don't think you can get anyone else, but because you are enjoying discovering what makes us uniquely us. We want to know that you've selected us from a number of others because there is something about us that makes us special. And the only way to do this is make us know that we are not your sole focus, that you think about other things besides us (you may not, but we need to think you do). We want to miss you. Indulge us. Give us the space so that we can. I mean, don't you want this too? Isn't this the same reason you are turned off if a woman is predictable with you and calls too often? There's no difference! This is what the game is about. And this is the only way that can lead to a truly equitable relationship in which the balance of power is shared between both people. They've both proven that they can handle the power, but that they don't need it.

As a couple gets to know each other, gets comfortable, the need for such a game falls away. Once they are both hooked, then what becomes most important is the understanding and acceptance of each other once the fascades start to drop. Then each person needs to know the other isn't going anywhere. This will naturally occur. It doesn't need to be forced.

In the initial stages of courtship, however, knowing how to play the game is essential. It doesn't mean you are insincere, it doesn't mean you are deceitful, it means you know your own worth just as well as you are learning that I know mine. It is the only way I've ever been hooked and I mean "honestly-and-truly-can't-stop-thinking-about-him-hooked."

Hope this helps! And yes, this is copyrighted. Please credit if reposting. Thanks!