Dwight put on his black trench coat in preparation to leave the concert. It had been a fun evening catching up with the hard rock band he has just toured with the previous fall. This was the first he'd seen them since--a time span of a little over two months. He pulled his long wavy black hair out from under his coat. Actually, it wasn't naturally black. He had decided to dye it black during the tour. This earned him the nick name "Death Metal". The truth was, Dwight didn't even like death metal. Nor was he a hippie, the other thing he was most commonly mistaken for. Dwight had long hair because he enjoyed rock music, and had first gotten into music at the tail end of the eighties when all musicians seemed to have long hair.

The lobby was filled with other concert goers milling around after the show. As he walked through the crowd, a person caught his eye. Dwight recognized him because he'd seen him working in the same large retail store in which Dwight worked. Seeing him here was somewhat unexpected though. The show was in another city and Dwight didn't realize he was into this type of music. The man saw Dwight as well and they walked over to greet each other. Dwight had actually first seen him at another show. One of Dwight's friends, Trevor, had a small band which played locally. Dwight often went to his concerts, and it seemed like this other guy was always there. But they had never exchanged more than a few words.

"Hey, wow, it's cool to see you here."

"Yeah, it's awesome to run into you."

"I'm Dwight. I had no idea you were into this kind of music."

"Don." The men exchanged handshakes. "Yeah I love this music."

"That's so cool."

"Hey, this is my girlfriend Emma." Don motioned to the closest of three girls whom seemed to be with him. He went on to introduce the other two, who were Emma's sisters. Dwight happened to remember seeing one of them, Sharon, the previous week at work.

With this new knowledge of shared interest in less common bands and genres of music, and since they worked in the same store, Dwight and Don began talking frequently and became good friends. They hung out outside of work as well. Dwight often hung out with Don and Emma, along with other members of her family. It turned out that she had a lot of siblings--ten in all--and many of them worked in the same store with Dwight and Don. (Their mutual friend Trevor also worked there, along with his brother Brandon.) Dwight also saw Sharon at times and would talk to her as well.

Dwight, Don, Emma and a couple of her sisters met up rather frequently to go to shows, or they would just hang out at Emma's place (she still lived at home with her parents). In addition to music, the other most important thing they shared was their belief in Christ. They all went to church, though different ones. However after becoming friends they sometimes went to each other's fellowships. The girls went to a youth group whose worship happened to be led by Trevor and Brandon. Dwight had joined them once. (Ironically, though not a part of this church, they happened to meet in the building where Dwight's extended family were long time members.) Trevor and his brother started a new hard core band. Dwight, Don and the girls went to see them play a number of times. They were gaining popularity and there were usually a lot of people around. It was an exciting time.

One day Don called Dwight. Dwight had been trying to get a hold of him for a while without success. Dwight had moved and changed jobs, so he didn't run into Don at work anymore.

"Hey. What's up? I've been trying to get a hold of you."

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry man."

"So what's going on?"

"Look, this probably won't make a lot of sense."

"Huh?"

"I'm not really talking to anyone right now. Don't bother trying to call me. I'll call you, don't worry about it. It may be a little while, but I'll get back to you. I just need some time by myself."

"Really? Uh, ok..."

Dwight was surprised and didn't know what to say. He wanted to hang out with Don, but if Don said he needed some time and that he'd call him, why should he be pushy and start a fight over it?

So Dwight waited. He had enough going on in his own life to keep him occupied. He was in the middle of starting his own band for one, an alternative rock worship band.

Months passed. Dwight was interested in keeping the friendships with Emma and Sharon. However he was worried about talking too much to Emma, since she was still Don's girlfriend. Dwight had grown up as a conservative Christian and was therefore concerned about not doing anything inappropriate with women. He had thought about stopping by their place to see if they were home or even just calling, but he was afraid this might be too forward since, once again, Emma was Don's girlfriend and he didn't feel like he knew Sharon that well. He did try emailing Sharon, but he didn't hear back from her.

The fall passed. Winter came. Then spring came and went. At the beginning of the summer the phone rang.

"Hello."

"Hey man, it's Don."

"Oh my gosh. What's going on?"

"Hey, sorry it's been so long. But I'd like to see you."

"Yeah, that'd be cool."

"Emma and I are wanting to go to church with you this week."

"Ok, sure thing man."

"There's one problem though; my car's not running right now. I hate to ask, but could you give us a ride?"

"Yeah, don't worry about it."

"Thanks man, I appreciate it!"

"No problem. It'll be good to see you again. I'll pick you up at six."

"Sweet! I'll see you then!"

Dwight's church services were on Sunday evenings. Dwight picked up Don and then they went to pick up Emma. The service itself was unmemorable. After catching up with other friends there, they headed home. It was about the same distance to both Don's and Emma's place, though Don's happened to be on the main road and they weren't that far apart. The thought crossed Dwight's mind to take Emma home first. However, since it was more convenient, they found themselves at Don's first. Dwight didn't think it would be too big of deal to take Emma the short distance home after dropping Don off.

They said their goodbyes and headed to Emma's. Since Dwight was a friend of her family and he hadn't seen any of them in a while, he thought he'd stop in to quickly say hello. Sharon was at home and Dwight began talking with her. He had noticed that she was pretty good looking previously. He'd never thought about the possibility of anything between them though because she was only 17 at the time he had met her. At that time he was 25 and wouldn't have considered dating anyone not out of high school. Sharon was actually home-schooled, but was the same age as a high schooler of course.

Dwight and Sharon kept talking for a long time. They seemed to be hitting it off well. They were both two years older: she was 19 and Dwight 27. Sharon was looking even more attractive than Dwight had remembered. When Sharon mentioned that her previous boyfriend had been older, the thought flashed through Dwight's mind, "Maybe there's a chance..."

Dwight and Sharon began talking on a frequent basis. Sharon had quickly begun to express interest in Dwight. Dwight was a reasonable and cautious guy. He didn't want to jump into anything too quickly. He tried to brush off his interest in Sharon. But despite his efforts, the more he got to know her the more she seemed to be just the kind of girl he wanted to marry. She was a beautiful Christian girl who liked him, they got along well, had shared interests, and more.

Again, due to his conservative Christian background, Dwight took relationships seriously. He never thought about dating just for it's own sake. To him, it seemed the only reason to date someone is if you thought that relationship had the potential to develop in the direction of marriage. Dwight hadn't had any long-term, serious relationships before. While he was definitely frustrated about this at times, he also knew that he was waiting for someone he could see himself spending the rest of his life with. In other words, he was trying to patiently wait for the right person and not mess around in the mean time.

From the time they "re-met", Sharon talked about how she hadn't been to church in a while, though she always expressed a desire to go back. Dwight believed the reason she hadn't been to church was the fact that she didn't have a way to get there. She didn't have a car (or even license) and no one else in her family was going anymore. So Dwight offered to take her any time and encouraged her to go. While he was really wanting to ask her out, he thought that he ought to put first things first. He felt that it was important to attend to spiritual matters, and after those got quickly resolved (so he thought), then he'd ask her out and they'd go from there (likely living happily ever after, or whatever happily married couples do).

It so happened that Dwight's car had been totalled the week following going to church with Don and Emma. This prevented him from giving Sharon a ride to church and also made it more challenging to hang out with her. But he was interested enough that he rode his bicycle all the way from downtown Indianapolis, where he lived, up the Monon Trail, all the way to Sharon's in the northern suburb of Carmel. He cared about her so much. For example, one time they went to the pool together he wasn't checking out her body. He really just wanted to be with her. Nevertheless, he thought she looked stunningly beautiful in the dress she wore afterward.

One afternoon Dwight and Sharon were sitting and talking on the step in front of her family's townhouse. She had started bringing up subjects related to dating.

"I kind of want to ask you something, but... I don't know...you don't have to answer--it's personal."

"Go ahead and ask. Not much phases me."

"Gosh... Ok... um... it begins with a V..."

"Oh"

"Are you a... virgin?"

"Yeah."

"Planning on waiting for marriage?"

"Yeah, that's the idea."

"Heh."

"What about you?"

"Well... that had been the idea..."

"What?! Had been?!" flashed through Dwight's mind.

"You know how I said that my previous boyfriend and I had been back-slidding... well..."

Dwight remembered her saying this a couple of times previously. The thought had flashed through his mind at the time: "they 'did it'". But he had put it out of his head. He didn't want it to be true so he had reason that it wasn't the case. But now there was no denial.

Dwight didn't remember the rest of the conversation. Though this might not have been a big deal to most people in our day in America, it was a big deal to Dwight. As mentioned, Dwight had a conservative Christian background. Part of this was the idea that you don't have sex until you are married. Dwight was quite involved in his youth group at church, and at least as far as he was aware, none of the core group were engaging in sex. So he had never really considered the idea of dating someone who'd had sex. Whenever a movie or something brought up the idea of a couple discussing past partners, Dwight was glad that he wouldn't have to deal with this kind of thing. Or so he thought.

After they finished talking, Dwight had to ride his bike all the way back home. This was tough. He felt like he'd been kicked in the gut. It was almost hard to breathe. He couldn't get the thoughts out of his head. Though he like most guys struggled with lust, he couldn't even think of sex for weeks without feeling sick...

Dwight struggled to know what to do. He was learning that things weren't as he had thought. It wasn't just that Sharon hadn't been going to church. She had started smoking, according to her own account had nearly become an alcoholic, and worst of all as far as Dwight was concerned, had gotten physically involved with a couple of her "boyfriends". (Although one Dwight felt could hardly be called a boyfriend. According to Sharon, he was married though separated and had another girlfriend at the time that Sharon had been with him!)

Despite all of this, Dwight still loved her. They still had chemistry and a lot in common. And despite everything, Dwight couldn't shake his feelings for her. She continued to talk about God and how she wanted to get right with him, though there seemed to be something holding her back. He continued to encourage her to go back to church and start following God again.

Dwight still felt that spiritual matters were the highest priority, yet he was getting impatient. Three months had gone by and he wanted to go ahead and formalize a relationship with Sharon. He felt that her getting right spiritually was just a matter of time. So he decided he would ask her out before a concert they were planning to go to. He went over to see her early and they went out to stroll around the apartment complex.

"So, I wanted to ask you a question... I was wondering, do you want to go out?" Dwight hadn't gotten the question out as cleanly as the smooth "are you going to be my girlfriend?" he had imagined in his head. But he was nervous.

"Well... I like you, but..." Sharon looked down as the words trailed off. After a moment it started to become clear there wasn't more coming.

Dwight blinked. "Huh? But what?" he thought. He was dumbfounded. She obviously hadn't said "Yes" as he had been expecting, but what did it mean? Was it "I'm not sure", or "no", or "not now", or "not ever"? Dwight didn't know.

The two of them went along with a group of friends to the concert as planned. Sharon apparently thought the guitarist from the headlining band was cute. Either that and/or she thought they were going to be famous. After the concert they were around the bands merch table and she had started asking Dwight if he thought the guitarist would give her a kiss and if he'd be upset if she did. Dwight said he would but that she really shouldn't. Dwight knew he wasn't a good guy.

Dwight's band had played a couple of shows with this band. At the first show earlier that summer Dwight had ended up at the band's party in their hotel room after the concert. It was pretty crazy, like the kind of things that Dwight had only heard of. Most everyone was drunk and drinking more. The guitarist had been making out with one girl nearby where Dwight was standing. Another girl apparently wanted in and started making out with them too, then the two girls had started making out. Dwight had actually laughed at this, probably because he didn't know what else to do. This was also the kind of party where guys asks girls to flash and they do. Dwight strategically placed himself behind another band member at this point so that he wouldn't see anything. He was thinking of Sharon and didn't want to do something like that when he was only interested in her.

Dwight, Sharon, and the others went back inside the bar (the concert had been outside). A minute later Dwight realized he didn't see Sharon. He pretty much knew what was going on so he headed outside. Don caught him at the door and tried to delay him. He had learned what was going on and wanted to prevent Dwight from being hurt. Dwight managed to get past Don and saw Sharon approaching the guitarist. He hurried over and arrived right as they were kissing. Dwight gave her a swift kick in the butt.

Dwight was obviously upset. Sharon apologized when they got back to her place. She said something like she wouldn't have done it if she had known it would upset him. But Dwight couldn't see how she couldn't have known it would be upsetting. He felt some way that he hadn't ever felt before. It was some mix of hurt and anger and desire. He wanted to cry and punch someone at the same time. He later figured that what he was feeling was jealousy. After thinking about it, Dwight decided that he would forgive Sharon. He certainly never forgot about it, but he continually chose to not to bring it up or hold it against her.

A week later, one of Sharon's favorite bands was playing in northwestern Indiana. They had made plans to go and Dwight went ahead and took her. (By this time he had another car.) She had met the band at a previous show that Dwight, Don and the rest had been to a couple of years before. The headlining band at that show was actually the same band which Dwight had toured with (though it was a different show than where they met). She had met and talked to this opening band while Dwight was talking to the band he knew. She had kept in some contact with them via email and IM. She revealed that she had a crush on the bassist and had always hoped they would get together.

The time came for the band to play. The youth minister of the church hosting the concert got up and said he thought the bassist ought to give a hug to one lucky girl. All the girls, including Sharon, were jumping up and down with their arms in the air, hoping to get picked. As it turned out, the youth minister announced a surprise that the bassist's new girlfriend had driven in for the show. Sharon was crushed. Dwight, while thinking that the way the youth minister had gone about this demonstrated poor judgement, nonetheless didn't feel bad for Sharon. For one, he felt that she had treated him as bad or worse just the week before. He wasn't gloating as though getting some sort of payback--he just didn't feel sorry for her. After all, if she liked him so much, why had she been messing around with other guys?

Dwight was thankful for one thing: he felt that this answered the question he'd had all week. Sharon obviously wasn't in love with him as he had been convinced she was. What he wasn't entirely sure of was the future and if her feelings might change.

After Sharon rejected him, Dwight's natural reaction was to be pissed off, say "screw you!" and not talk to her any more. But he had found out that, while she may have lost interest in him as a potential boyfriend, she had grown to respect him a lot and said that their friendship meant a lot to her. Dwight pondered everything and thought, "If I loved her before, why should I love her any less now? Otherwise, I didn't really love her, I was just in love with what I thought I might get out of a relationship with her. If my friendship meant a lot to her, then I'll continue to be her friend, because I love her and true love seeks what's best for the other."

Growing up, Dwight had always been taught to respect women and be a good guy in general. The message he had definitely gotten was that if you are a good guy, women will like you. So he continued to be the good, godly guy which he was. He thought, "if she sees what kind of a quality guy I am, won't she want to be with me? And if that's not good enough for her, if that's not what she wants, what else can I do?"

Dwight recognized the need to get over his feelings for Sharon. He tried to convince himself that it was for the best that they not be in a relationship and that they weren't actually a good match. He had discovered that Sharon could be difficult to get a hold of at times. In part because of this, as the fall went on, they talked less and he began to go over her. For various reasons, Dwight didn't contact Sharon and the two didn't talk through the winter and following spring.

Nevertheless Dwight struggled with the fact that his feelings for Sharon had seemed to really turn on his desires for a relationship. He recognized that a relationship with her wasn't happening, yet his desires for a relationship weren't so easily turned off. He found himself in a state of having intense desire for a relationship but with no outlet for it.

Sharon IM'd Dwight during the middle of the following summer. They started talking again more consistently. Dwight didn't have reason to believe Sharon was any more interested in dating than before, but they really seemed to "get" each other and understand one another in a way that most wouldn't. As mentioned, he had convinced himself of the need to get over it and move on. Nevertheless, he had still thought about Sharon every day. They seemed to connect and be on the same wavelength. Dwight thought he was imagining this because of his feelings, but Sharon had said the same thing. Although he tried to fight it and deny it, Dwight's attraction to Sharon was returning.

There were many things in Sharon's life which were bringing her down. She struggled with feeling low and with the drama which often surrounded her. Because he cared so much about her, it hurt Dwight to see her like this. He wanted to help her and fix everything. But for the most part, Sharon wouldn't let him but would rather go MIA. This was certainly incredibly frustrating for Dwight.

As mentioned, one frustration was that Sharon was difficult to get a hold of. Sometimes Dwight might try calling several times and never hear anything back for week or even a couple of months. When they were talking, Dwight's feelings waxed and waned. He enjoyed talking to her and being her friend. Many times he felt content with that. But then he'd have a hard time maintaining consistency. He wouldn't hear from Sharon and couldn't get a hold of her. He'd miss her, but couldn't tell if he was in love with her or just missed her friendship.

One of the biggest struggles in trying to get over his feelings all along was that he found it very difficult to believe that he would find someone he liked more--or even as much as Sharon. He also recognized that he was quickly approaching 30. He hadn't ever had a specific time which he thought he would get married, but he had always assumed it would happen sometime in his twenties. Now his twenties were almost expired and a relationship did not look promising. He had always assumed he would get married but now, for the first time in his life, he started to question this assumption. He recognized that his options were getting slimmer. This was a difficult idea to swallow, to say the least.

His relationship with God didn't seem to help. First, he didn't believe that God was specifically in the business of matchmaking. He didn't believe God promised us we'd get married, and certainly not that we'd get married to someone we were in love with. Beyond that, Jesus specifically says there isn't marriage "at the resurrection", so Dwight didn't seem to have in hope in the next life either. Other people talk about God filling all our needs, but Dwight hadn't experienced that. Beside, it seemed that the bible supported the idea that we are made for relationship with other people (though this is of course much broader than just marriage).

The situation remained pretty much the same into the following summer. Dwight still had difficulty getting a hold of Sharon, still had feelings for her, and still tried to get over those feelings. He had decided to give up and didn't talk to her for a couple of months. But their paths crossed and they started talking once again at the beginning of that third summer.

Sharon had started dating another guy at around that time. Dwight was really frustrated and jealous. Watching Sharon in this new relationship was difficult. He want to be happy for her, yet she didn't seem happy herself. He never actually saw them together, but Sharon talked about her frustrations. Ironically, this summer seemed to be the height of their friendship. They hung out and talked frequently, and were probably closer at this point than at any other time. Dwight realized that he was actually being a better friend to Sharon, yet she was still in love with this other guy.

Toward the end of summer, everything came crashing down for everyone. Sharon called Dwight in the middle of the night, broken over everything in her life. Her and her boyfriend had broken up. She felt like she had tried it all and it had failed. She wanted to get right with God again. Dwight thought it was a break through. He believe she was ready to straighten her life out. He was so overwhelmed with emotion that he cried once he got off the phone. It seemed to be an answer to prayer (not that she'd break up with her boyfriend, but that she'd come back to God).

Dwight also learned that Don and Emma had started having sex during the long period that they were out of contact a couple of years previously. While if it weren't Don it probably would have been someone else, Sharon felt that she would have been much less likely to have started getting physically involved with guys when she did if it weren't for Don and Emma. Because of what they were doing, Sharon felt left out and wanted to get involved herself. Dwight was certainly upset about this and felt that Don was partly to blame for the way things were. Don himself at one point said he felt that he'd been a bad influence on Emma and deeply regretted that. But Dwight forgave Don and didn't hold it against him. Dwight and Don talked about all of this during a road trip together that summer. Dwight opened up more and shared everything about his feelings for Sharon. Emma had also just broken up with Don. As it turned out, she had started cheating on him earlier in the summer. It was a tough time, but Dwight and Don grew closer through it.

A bit later on, Dwight learned that Sharon had slept with her boyfriend in part to try to keep him interested in her. But after they had sex he hadn't talked to her for weeks, which immensely upset Sharon and was why they had broken up. Dwight was crushed over this. For day he felt like he had a blade stuck through his chest. He wrote a letter explaining why he was so upset. Not only was he jealous because she was with another guy, but it hurt him to see all the pain she was going through. He was also frustrated because of not having a consistent friendship with her and not being able to help her. He didn't talk to Sharon for 2-3 months that fall and he believed he was getting over her.

Around Thanksgiving they reconnected and Dwight's feelings returned. Nevertheless he knew he needed to get over her. He didn't initiate contact and they were out of contact through the winter and spring. It may have been in part because many other friendships in Dwight's life had also fallen away, but toward the beginning of summer his feelings toward Sharon started spiking again. Dwight thought he was going crazy. He knew it didn't make any sense and wasn't a good idea, yet his feelings seemed beyond his control.

One of the biggest challenges he faced all along was the fact that he understood that no one is perfect. He was quite aware that Sharon wasn't perfect or ideal in a number of ways. But how good was good enough? As much as she might not be perfect, Dwight had a really difficult time believing that he'd meet someone better. It had taken this long for him to meet Sharon, and he knew he wasn't getting any younger. Beyond this, Sharon had sometimes sent seemingly mixed signals. She had said things such "I love you", "I need you in my life", "you're the hope for men", and "you fill a spot that nothing else does", etc.

Like with previous summers, Sharon IM'd and they started talking once again. Don had told her that her and Dwight needed to talk. While Dwight would have preferred talking in person, she wanted him to talk to her then. So Dwight ended up sharing everything about how he felt. Sharon confirmed that, while she cared a lot about Dwight and wished she felt attraction, he was only a friend and was never going to be anything more.

That fall, Dwight's feelings finally though slowly began to recede more than before. But the wake of all this left Dwight lower than ever. He was depressed enough that he began to worry about himself, enough so that he sought counseling through the winter.

One of the problems Dwight had all along is that he didn't feel free to be open with how he was feeling even with most of his friends. For example, one friend specifically couldn't understand why Dwight couldn't just get over it. The truth is, Dwight would have liked to have had an answer to that question himself. Not only was Sharon's rejection a shot to his confidence to begin with, but the fact that he couldn't get over his feelings was embarrassing.

From the way others talked, he knew this must seem pathetic to others, especially to girls. Women are supposed to be fighting over the guy and are totally turned off by guys who are seen as desperate, apparently because they can't get a girlfriend. (I guess their thought is, "If he's not good enough for another girl, he must not be good enough for me.") So as if the initial rejection wasn't enough, this made Dwight feel like he must be a complete loser. Dwight felt so low but yet he couldn't share this because it would bring more embarrassment and criticism. Because of all this, Don was about the only person Dwight could be completely open with. Not only were they best friends, but because Don was dating Emma, he understood the unique qualities that Sharon and Emma shared which most others would completely not get.

Beyond this, all these feelings and frustrations caused Dwight to seriously question many of his beliefs about relationships in particular, though this even reached to questioning his beliefs about God. Dwight was plagued by these questions of why Sharon wasn't attracted to him, why he couldn't get over his feelings for her, what could have been done differently and more. He wondered if his beliefs about sex and purity were actually archaic. He tried to understand attraction, his own feelings, the future and everything else. These questions continued to torture Dwight through the years since he had first fallen in love with Sharon.

After several years of questions without knowing where or who to turn to for answers, Dwight finally began to piece some of the story together. Being a good guy might bring respect, but it isn't something which girls are necessarily attracted to as Dwight had thought. (Unfortunately, he felt he was weak in many of the areas which, as best as he could figure out, are actually attractive to women.) Sharon respected Dwight more than just about any other guy in the world, but she wasn't attracted to him. From Sharon's perspective, though she was attracted at first, she decided not to pursue it because she didn't want to drag Dwight down into everything she was involved in. Dwight appreciated this, and figured that Sharon might be smarter than he was in a way. But he also understood that things might have been different had her attraction to Dwight actually grown stronger rather than waned. Nevertheless, a relationship likely would have been a bad idea and wouldn't have lasted. Not only were they in significantly different places spiritually, but they had differing views of life overall.

Dwight only saw Sharon once after this, at the beginning of the fifth summer. She said that she understood more how he felt now because of her experiences. (Her and her previous boyfriend had gotten back together on and off.) She also said that she didn't feel like she would ever be loved and in a relationship. While she said she wanted to be friends, they were never in consistent contact after this.

A month or so later Sharon started dating another guy. She texted that fall to tell Dwight that she was pregnant. That shocked Dwight. While he knew she was sexually active, strangely the thought had never occurred to him that she might get pregnant. Though his feelings for her had been greatly reduced already, this was really the last straw which helped him get over them completely. In addition to this, he wrote a story in which he was able to express his emotions through the situation while putting them into a completely different context. This expression allowed for him to release some of the emotions which had been trapped inside.

In part because Don needed a place to stay, he, Emma, Sharon and her boyfriend all moved into together. (Don and Emma had gotten back together, despite the fact that she had cheated on him on a couple of different occasions.) After most of a year, Emma broke up with Don, effectively kicking him out in the process. Sharon and her boyfriend ended up moving into their own apartment. Eventually they started going back to church, got married and had a second child. Dwight and Don remain close friends.

2/7/2012