Interesting interview excerpt:

Jim: What have been your biggest challenges?

Shaun: Two main things primarily. I haven't gotten established in a career and have struggled to find decent, steady work. Second, I've wanted to get married but it hasn't happened. That's been my biggest, continual source of frustration ever since I became attracted to girls in the first place.

Jim: So why are you still single?

Shaun: Heh... There are a lot of things which come to mind to say... The reality is, I've known a lot of quality women in my life. I've wanted to be in a relationship and get married all along—I haven't been trying to put it off for any reason. But apparently I just haven't been the right man for any of the women I've known. So while I could say a lot of things, the best way to sum it up is that it just hasn't happened.

Jim: Why do you think that is?

Shaun: Well for one, I'm picky. I'm not necessarily thrilled about that fact but I don't know any way of changing it. It is what it is. The thing is, with being a Christian and having the beliefs about marriage and sex that come from that, I feel like I've only got one shot to get what I want, you know? It's not like I feel like I can settle for someone now and then upgrade in the future. Or like I can mess around and "have fun" for a while and then settle down after that. In a way I feel like it would be easier if I weren't a Christian. I feel like a lot of people mess around when they're younger. They experiment with sex and/or dating the hot girl or guy whom they'd never actually want to marry. So then when they do decide to settle down, they're not looking for someone to be everything—they've already tried a lot of those things I decided they weren't that worthwhile. When they're ready to settle down they're also ready to settle for someone more practical, whom they get along with well and such.

The second thing is I've never had anyone really explain to me what to do with a girl I like. What I got growing up was to respect women and not to have sex or get too physical with your girlfriend before getting married. But for the most part, I feel like getting a girl to like you was just assumed. I'm sure someone probably talked about this along the way, but either it wasn't clear or I didn't get it or I don't know... It just seems to me like there are a lot of assumptions made that I didn't get. I basically had this idea that it would just happen. Like there would be a girl I'd get along with well, she'd like being with me and I'd like being with her, then I'd "ask her out" and we'd be boyfriend and girlfriend, and eventually live happily ever after. But that hasn't happened. I don't know though... I'm not sure if I'm missing something or if the "right" person just hasn't come along yet. I tend to think the former since I don't believe in the theory of "the one".

Jim: So what you're saying is that there haven't been many women who you've been attracted to, and the ones you have been attracted to you haven't known how to express that?

Shaun: More or less. In the past 15 or so years there have been only a handful of girls I had longer term interest in. What I mean is I've had numerous what I call weak/week crushes. I call them this because they typically last only a matter of weeks. There have only been a handful of girls I've been attracted to longer than that.

Jim: And what have you done in these cases? Anything?

Shaun: Oh yes. In the past, say back in high school and closer to that time, I was fairly passive and didn't know what to do other than try to talk to them some. Recently I think I'm getting a better idea of what to do, but I still really don't know. I may be completely missing something that other guys are doing. Sometimes I wonder by the response I get. Anyway, I've tried to get acquainted with them, to see if I actually find them interesting in addition to looking good. So I'll try setting up times to get together. I'll try asking them to go do some activity or another. Sometimes I've just been turned down. Sometimes I've not been in a situation to ever get acquainted in the first place. At other times, I haven't been able to get past the "friend zone" because she doesn't find me attractive.

Jim: Why do you think that is?

Shaun: I've tried to figure this out. It's probably a combination of things: I'm not tall or dark, I'm not particularly charming at least to most people, I'm not particularly buff, I'm not an average person so I don't share the same interests, thought patterns, or views of a lot of people, I'm too old, I don't have good skin, I'm not real outgoing which may be interpreted as not being strong and confident, I haven't had a stable, good paying job, I don't wear armor and ride a horse, etc. I admit, though I think I'm a quality guy, I've gotten the impression recently that I'm just not attractive to women. One of the ladies I liked the most was attracted to me initially, but as she got to know me, respected me more but became less attracted. Another girl I know also respected me but wasn't attracted. In the last approximately eight years, only two girls that I know of who have been attracted to me; one was a "crazy" teenager who was certainly too young, and the other was just crazy—though intelligent.

Jim: You sound frustrated.

Shaun: Definitely. And what makes it worse is I feel like I can't be open about it.

Jim: Why is that?

Shaun: It makes me look bad. Really bad. If you admit to not having a girl when you want one, it's like the same as saying you aren't good enough to get one. I don't know if this is something that comes more from others or from within myself. There are guys out there who suggest if you just ask the girl she'll say yes. They give this impression because they say if you don't have a woman it's because you haven't asked. But that's obviously not true, at least not in many cases.

Then beyond the perceived humiliation from other men, there's the perspective of women. I've heard that women tend to be attracted to a guy who is either already with another woman, or a guy whom another woman is attracted to. They also feel like a guy should be content to be single, and again, if he's not dating it's probably his own fault. "Why doesn't he just ask someone out?" Well, because I get turned down but also I don't ask just every girl out. Doing so looks terribly bad to women as well I believe. This, as well as to claim to want to be in a relationship but not be, are both seen by women as being desperate, which is about the worst possible thing a guy could be from what I understand. I mean, I think it's easier to be a violent, abusive man and have a girl than it is to be considered desperate!

Jim: So you're kind of in a tough spot.

Shaun: Yeah. I often want to be proactive—I'm just ready to go and do something to take a step forward. But so often there isn't anything I can do (at least so far as I am aware). Right now for example, there isn't any available woman I know whom I am attracted to. I've put myself in a lot of social situations so that I meet a lot of people, including eligible women, but I haven't met many who are available and whom I'm attracted to. I feel like I've done all I can, but I still haven't had success. Yeah, it's tough when you're in that spot; when you've done everything you can and still haven't had results, it kind of means it's out of your control. I can't really try harder, because I've already tried. There really isn't anything I can do. I mean, if I don't try, I believe I can prevent success, but I can't guarantee success just by trying. That's what I mean by not being in control.

Jim: So what are you looking for in a woman? Do you have a "list"?

Shaun: Yeah. I've had several versions of a list. Most of my items are more general than the specifics people often have on their lists. In fact, I've been told that my list sums up the general things everyone is looking for. Basically, I'm looking for someone with character (integrity), compatible beliefs, who is intelligent, personally compatible, and whom I find physically attractive; someone whom I "hit it off" with and get along well with, with whom there's "chemistry". There's an intangible factor which is difficult to describe, but I believe people will understand what I'm talking about. Beyond that, the only more specific, unique items are that I want someone who keeps thing relatively neat and clean (because I can't stand messes left around), and someone who is a virgin. I know that last one may be a bit controversial, but that's where I'm at.

On the flip side, I figured it was fair to make a list of what I feel I have to offer. I am a loving, loyal leader. I am a follower of Christ. I'm reasonably pure. I'm creative, passionate, and sensitive. I seek to continually improve myself. I serve and take care of my living environment. I would do whatever I could to make my wife feel loved, special, appreciated, supported and encouraged. I would do whatever I could to make our marriage the strongest and healthiest it could be.

Jim: Wow, good thoughts. So why do you think you are picky? Your list doesn't sound as picky as many I've heard.

Shaun: Yeah, well first of all, since I'm an atypical man, I don't connect well with the average person. So that's one thing. I kind of hate the fact that I feel picky for wanting to marry a virgin. That used to be the normal expectation, but in our culture it's so uncommon that it seems picky. Also, by being a Christian and wanting to be with someone who is a Christian, that rules a lot of people out. Not only that, but a higher percentage of Christian women are married than those whom aren't Christian, so it makes it that much more difficult. Beyond that, I'm picky about what I find physically attractive. I wish this wasn't the case, because I know it shouldn't be that important and shouldn't or doesn't really make that much of a difference in the quality of a relationship. But I don't know any way of changing how I feel about it.

I think the "looks" piece is the biggest factor in attraction. I've been thinking about how there is a difference between desired qualities and attractive qualities. Physical attraction seems to be the biggest part of attraction for me and apparently most men. For me personally, if I find some woman physically attractive but she's not my type in any other way, I'm not interested. (I may be different than many guys in this respect.) On the other hand, if someone has all my desired qualities but I don't find her physically attractive, we'll probably be friends but I won't be interested in a "romantic" relationship. It's frustrating, but that's the truth of the matter.

When someone is in the middle (having some qualities and not others) it gets more interesting. The girl I was most in love with in the past didn't have all my desired qualities (though I didn't realize it when I fell in love with her). It's easy to let go of your desired qualities when you've met someone very attractive, even though those desired qualities may be more important. That's when you want to be able to follow what your brain is telling you rather than just your heart. But that's certainly not easy to do.

Jim: Man... deep thoughts... you've obviously done some thinking about all of this.

Shaun: Heh, yeah, I've had a lot of time to do that, to question why things were the way they were, or are the way the are. Anyway, it's difficult to find someone who matches what I want. It seems that nearly all physically attractive women are either (1) already married or in a serious relationship, (2) lack character, (3) lack intelligence, or (4) are too young.

Jim: So what do you find physically attractive?

Shaun: Man, you ask the hard questions! Are you trying to get me into trouble? Basically there are two main things: a certain body shape and an attractive face. I don't really know how to describe them in more detail than that. I've found women to be attractive with many different traits in other areas, though I tend to like big, brown eyes and long, wavy blond hair the most. It may be worth noting that if a woman looks too much like a model, it's actually a turn off for me. I want someone who looks real—not necessarily average but not looking over done either.

Jim: Any other thoughts on this subject?

Shaun: I've heard a number of people say they are content being single. But I wonder how many people are kidding themselves into thinking that they're okay with it? I don't assume everyone is, but I think it could be a way some people cope with the frustration. On the other hand, I don't want to give the impression that I sit around brooding about this 100% of the time... it's more like 80% (laughs). Really though, it's kind of like living with chronic pain: you're not thinking consciously about it all the time, but it's always there in the background. Unfortunately with this it's unseen and most often unspoken.

I try to get on with my life as best as possible, like I believe most people do. I'm involved in a lot of things, work, church, serving, writing, music, etc... so I'm not just sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I guess it's unfortunate that I feel like I have to say this, but usually when you share about being frustrated about something there are people out there who'll blame you for it and/or say you just need to change your attitude, which is basically the same thing. I just want to try and be honest about it. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels these sorts of things.