So I looked in your direction,
But you paid me no attention, do you.
I know you don't listen to me.
'cause you say you see straight through me, don't you.

On and on from the moment I wake,
To the moment I sleep,
I'll be there by your side,
Just you try and stop me,
I'll be waiting in line,
Just to see if you care.

Did she want me to change?
But I change for good.
And I want you to know.
But you always get your way,
I wanted to say,

Don't you Shiver? Shiver, Shiver

I'll always be waiting for you,
So you know how much I need ya,
But you never even see me, do you?

And this is my final chance of getting you?

On and on from the moment I wake....
Did she want me to change?...

(Chorus)

Sing it loud and clear.
I'll always be waiting for you. (x3)
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you.

And it's you I see, but you don't see me.
And it's you I hear, so loud and clear.
I sing it loud and clear.
And I'll always be waiting for you,.

So I look in your direction,
But you pay me no attention,
And you know how much I need you,
But you never even seen me.

Shiver
Coldplay

"...and the truth is
I miss you..."

Warning Sign
Coldplay

(Note: my writing here has to do with my wrestling with what the reality of matter seems to be, not what I might think is an ideal.)

A while back I was wondering how people choose who they want to marry. This may seem obvious, and of course there are the people who say, "You'll just know," but I'm not sure it's so straight forward. I think in part that the ideas you have about marriage and who you want to marry go into "knowing" when you come to that point.

I think perhaps the biggest factor affecting who you might want to marry is tied to the answer of the question, why get married? It's my understanding that marriage was more of a practical necessity in the past. Due in part to less technology and affluence, it generally took a whole family to be able to provide for the needs of life. Also, culturally, it seems that there were fewer opportunities for single women especially.

Now days it is not too hard to live quite comfortably by oneself. If you have a decent job at all, you can purchase many of the services that previously may have been provided by other family members. Even sex has been removed from its attachment to marriage.

So, what do you get by being married that you can't get otherwise? Well, a commitment (though that too has been weakened in our society). Perhaps not a lot else though. (True, in christianity people are supposed to wait until marriage to have sex, but many don't and the social consequences of such action seem to be minimal.)

So, why get married? Well, really the only answer I've been able to come up with is because you want to. If you happen to connect with someone you enjoy being with, and they feel the same, then go ahead and get married. In other words, there aren't real practical reasons for getting married. It seems that it's primarily just a matter of boosting one's quality of life.

Considering this, it is easy for me to understand some of the trends which some conservatives complain about. For example of the fact that people are waiting longer on average to get married and that the divorce rate has increased overall. The other reason I can see for getting married is that it is a good context for having and raising children. This may explain why more people get married in their thirties, and some people no doubt avoid divorce because of kids.

So this being the case, the criteria for choosing a potential spouse have more to do with feelings than with a rational assessment of a person's character for example. I don't think this is really a good thing, but in our cultural context, I don't see much of a way around it. This is why it's all about the feeling of being in love. That feeling isn't bad in my opinion, but perhaps problematic when given too much weight.

The reason I've thought about all of this is in order to try and better understand attraction. I've decided that attraction is a complicated assortment of different elements, mixed together into something like a soup, chili or gumbo. In order for it to come out right, you have to have the right amount of each ingredient. It takes the talent of a chef to make it well.

Attraction comes from a mix of personality, physical attraction, style, context, thoughts, beliefs, desires, timing, pheromones, etc. Basically it's a complex mix of influences, many of which we aren't even consciously aware of. But I think that it is experienced in a large way as being "turned on". This is why relationships often seem so complicated.

The problem with attraction is that it is something which can be quite difficult to manage. It's difficult to create that feeling in yourself by will power, and can be even harder to turn off once it's begun. It can also be difficult to try and create the feeling in someone else. Also, it isn't necessarily the best criterion for choosing a potential mate. We often end up being attracted to people who may not be the best choices, for us at least.

In summary, feelings seem to be the main reason for getting married, and therefore attraction is the main criterion for choosing a mate. This probably isn't ideal, because attraction doesn't necessarily choose the best mates. However I'm not sure I see a way around it, because being aware of this doesn't change the way you feel. Even if you decide not to base a relationship on the feeling of being in love, you probably would want to have it anyway, and it's almost certain that you're significant other would want to feel that way.

I saw Donnie Darko again tonight. When he first has a conversation with his soon to be girlfriend, it's basically obvious that he's somewhat crazy from what he says and the way he acts. She says something like, "You're wierd." He starts to apologize or something and she says, "No, it's a compliment." I thought, "I need to meet a girl like that." Lol. Of course, the fact that she chooses to be with this guy who's said he has emotional issues, burned down a house, and has been in jail probably shows that she's not so bright and lacks good judgement, so the analogy falls apart there.

Things I've learned from being in love:

• compassion - what hurts the other hurts you also
  
• forgiveness - the willingness to let go of the past and live now
  
• that the object of love is the goal of love - the goal isn't the the ways you might benefit or thing that you may get out of the relationship. The goal is to unite with the person whom you love.
  
  

This is a post dedicated to my new "virtual" friend, Angele:

Relationships between people of opposite sex are a tough topic. There is some natural interest there, but to varying degrees. It's not simply an on or off, yes or no thing, but more, "I kinda like this person, and that person's alright, and he/she's pretty cool, and so and so is hot, and someone else is fun, etc., etc." And of course in many cases what is felt by one person toward another is quite different than how the latter person feels about the former. Additionally, feelings go back and forth at different times, and then to make it even more complicated than that, people have different ways of communicating how they feel. One person can think that they're obviously showing that they like another, while that person is totally clueless. However, they may be doing things unintentionally which make the first person think that they do like them as well.

What can we do? Well, first of all I think try and chill out and not assume too much. I know that for a long time it seems that I've mostly heard girls complain about guys hitting on them (or whatever). I've never wanted to come across that way, so I've always been afraid to say or do much of anything, because I was afraid that it'd be taken the wrong way. Now I've decided that I don't want to be like that. If I want to compliment someone I will, and not be too concerned about it. If you think a guy is showing interest in you, if your interested you can show interest back and if you're not, just continue being yourself. If they are interested, let them say so. If your interested to, but it goes a long time without any progression, then ask. (Note, in my experience, it seems it takes guys longer to figure out and make a decision about what they think than it does for the girl, so you may have to have some patience here.) The point is, I don't want to be overly worried about how someone else is going to think. Guys can certainly be difficult for girls, and unfortunately often just outright bad news. In general though, they tend to be tougher and denser, which means that they're harder to hurt (that may be part of the reason girls sometimes find them easier to be friends with than other girls). At the same time, because of that, they're also more likely to hurt you, whether intentional or not. I think that's part of the reason girls find relationships harder.

So, I agree people shouldn't act like they're interested in someone if they aren't, and I don't think people should "go out" just for the heck of it. However, I also don't like being in groups where it seems everyone is so uptight about not giving people the wrong idea, etc., that the interactions are awkward. For me personally at least, I enjoy being able to be a bit flirtatious at times. However I don't feel comfortable doing it in a context where I think people are going to be put off by it. It's like, "Don't take it so seriously." It's not that I don't mean what I say, or that I don't think you're a cool person, I just mean that just because I think you're cool, doesn't necessarily mean I want to date you (or whatever).

It's tough because yeah, we don't want to waste our time in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. We don't want to have our hearts broken by falling for the wrong person, or liking someone who doesn't feel the same way back. We'd like to just skip all of that and wait for the right person and have everything go perfectly. But the problem is, we aren't going to have someone walk up and say, "Hi, I'm the one." They aren't going to have a sign above their head to tell you, and you're not going to have a vision to tell you who it is. So how do we figure out? That is the big question. Yes, there are certain things we should look for, and certain things which we shouldn't settle without. However, there is no perfect match, and then beyond that our feelings sometimes don't align with our thoughts, and they can be terribly difficult to control at times. It isn't easy, and there's no guarantee. We can and should be careful, but at some point we have to take a risk if we're going to try at all. And despite feelings and appearances, it may not be right, and we may get hurt. But we will never have the chance of experiencing the rewards of a relationship if we never take a risk. So my advice: be smart, go slow, don't freak out, but be open.

From one of these online quiz like things:

Interestingly, a lot of the features you liked are not especially popular. They're not what usually defines "mainstream" attractiveness for women. But who cares what the mainstream thinks?!

You qualify as "picky," or maybe you just have a clearer idea than most men about what you like in women. It's almost instinctual for you. In a crowded room, you can quickly spot the most attractive woman. Even if you only catch her out of the corner of your eye, you know which women have "the right stuff." You probably struggle with balancing your natural instincts, which draw you to good looking women, with your desire to find smart, mature, and well-rounded women. But you're also a realist. You know how important a physical "spark" is in a relationship and can't settle for less. Still, in the test, you seemed to recognize the difference between "eye candy," women who are just nice to look at, and more approachable cute women.

You are more selective than most men in the types of women you find appealing. You're not someone who only goes for women with "movie star" good looks, but you still have high standards. Let others fight over the "movie stars" and you'll find a more unique gal who can be your own personal "star."

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Fabulous, Like You
By The Gravity Show